Monday, June 8, 2009

A Question of Firsts: Durian

We're all bound to ponder the questions which yield no answer, such as "if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around does it still make a noise?" or "what is the sound of one hand clapping?" And though in theory these questions do have answers from a logical stand point, they continue to create moments of zen as one wrestles with them, never truly finding an answer.

I too contemplate these questions, but my questions are questions of "firsts." For example, who was the first person to think a Durian would be a good thing to eat. If the weapon like exterior didn't look inviting enough the putrid smell should have detoured any further advances. If I was the first man to discover a durian I would have thought that they would have made wonderful weapons. With their naturally spiky exoskeleton. I would have launched them with some sort of catapult or trebuchet, or just waited in the trees for my enemies to walk past and dropped it upon their heads. Perhaps the first encounter with a durian was a near death or possibly fatal incident. Walking mindlessly through the forest, a spiny, dense, head sized object falls from the trees (nearly) smashing an unsuspecting passer by in the head. At what point during the pain and bloodshed, and not to mention pungent smell did one think, "Wow that really hurt and it smells gross, but MAYBE it taste delicious."

Perhaps the first encounter with said fruit was not as destructive and violent. It could, and probably was, a chance encounter while wandering through the forest and finding these objects on the floor. However I would have thought the smell would stop any normal person from deeper inspection. The wise comedian Demitri Martin once stated that "whenever we investigate smells it's always something nasty, it's never,'What's that smell? OH! Cookies!'" Resonating with that idea, why would you, upon discovering the smell was not in fact cookies continue to the point of thinking of "even though this smells gross I wonder what it taste like?" A normal reaction to strong and offensive smells is not to try and see if it taste good but to throw it out, which in the case of durian may have resulted in yet another head injury.

I like to think that durian and it's acceptance as a edible treat is proof that though alcohol did not exist in early human history, since the beginning of time "Truth or Dare" and like games have played a major role in culture as well as the idea that our ancestors must have been as dumb or dumber than we are to have tried things which defy logic. Here's to you, durian and the bravely stupid person who first tried to eat you.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

An Open Letter to The Job Market

Hey Job Market,
Guess what, I graduated. Yeah pretty exciting, I know. After 17 years of school I'm pretty happy to be finally done. Time to get out of the classroom and put all that knowledge into practice. But I've got a bone to pick with you. You suck.

All this time I've been in school I've been told that when I graduate you'd be there for me. So I've graduated, now where the heck are you? Ok granted I wasn't the best student but I finished 17 years of boring classes, horrible teachers, and countless hours of mind numbing work so that I'd be welcomed into the "real world" by you. Even though my peers became engineers and doctors like good Asians should, I thought you, being the great American dream, would allow me to pursue my passions and reward me for my hard work. When I was kid I heard stories about immigrants coming to America in search of you, and you gave them often more than they could have dreamed. But when I walked off stage with my fake diploma and waited for you after the ceremony you didn't show up. I looked all over for you. Wandering all around, I'd see hints of you passing in a flash. I wandered the halls in search of you, but all I found was the ghost of your former self.

It seems like I'm not the only one being disappointed by you. Apparently you've been kind of a jerk to all my friends. You see them across an open room at a party or a bar. You lock eyes. You seduce them with your sultry words of job security and 401Ks. Hook up with them for a month or two and you guys have a blast. Going on vacations and investing in your "future" together. You give them the royal treatment, starting an addiction for a life that you know they'd never have without you. Then all of a sudden you're gone. You don't call or visit and they're out in the cold with nothing to show for your time together. Not cool.

What happened to you? You used to be the responsible guy. The reliable and loyal friend that we worked in hopes of seeing one day. But now, well just look at you. I feel like all this time you've been feeding us lies. We've jumped through all your hoops. Taken the SAT prep courses to get into the good colleges. Do you realize that there's SAT prep for 7th graders? 7th graders! They won't have to take that test for 4 years and yet they're stuck in classes which eat at their souls each and ever Saturday. We've invest hundreds of thousands of dollars to acquire degrees from prestigious universities in hopes to impress you and show you how hard we've tried. Some of us even majored in things we know we have no interest in because we thought that even as our hearts whither into crumpled vestiges of our hopes and dreams you'd look upon us and see that all we want is your approval. But after all that we've done for you, where were you after we completed your herculean trials. Did we not spend enough money trying to complete the needed units? Did our dream crushing majors not inflict enough pain on us? Have we not wasted enough of our childhood, trying to achieve near impossible feats? What more do you want from us?

All we wanted was for you to be there for us when we finished our time in lecture halls and labs. And even now I think I speak for my generation when I say we'll put this all behind us if you just show up and give us the reward we worked so hard toward. Look we've both made mistakes in these past years, but lets let bygones be bygones and move on. I guess my intent isn't to make you feel bad for the things you've done but let you know that we'd love to have you back. It's not that we hate you for letting us down, or lying to us about what we need to succeed. And it's not even that you've been cheating on us with Recession. What we want is just for you to come back. So come home J.M. We miss you.

The Class of 08&09

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Flash Back?

I'm surprised more people haven't made the connection. Click the pic to see the full image.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Down Down Down


Some call it going under.
Others say it's being buried alive.
Either way, I start to wonder
if all of this has become too much.

Some fight through and manage.
Others rely on outer strength.
And here I sit with an advantage
of hind sight, they say it's 20/20.

I can't begin to explain the feeling.
Like I'm choking in a sea of fire.
All this world has got me reeling,
and I wonder if there's a light.

I haven't much to offer
In terms of how to calm your woes.
All I can say is stay on your rocker,
and we'll ride it out, as it goes.

No apologizes, just words. It's cathartic. Have a good weekend. Hopefully I'll be back by next week. Comment on the last post please! Thanks!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Do Adjust Your TV Set

I've been trying to keep up with the latest Screen Actor's Guild (SAG) news. Since being denied a internship due to the "impending strike,"I've been watching the SAG updates quite carefully. I've discussed with some people the possibility that TV could once again take another screeching halt mid season. Now with all politics aside, what does this mean to the average viewer? It means that quite possibly, we'll get hit with another horrific round of "alternative programing." Or as it's more commonly known, reality TV.

As a writer and self proclaiming media connoisseur I absolutely can not take another season of mindless dribble. Despite the fact that much of current programing is almost as bad if not worse than Reality TV. To take from SNL's example "One OC Gossip Tree Creek." (And yes I'm going to call you out, Gossip Girl). I hate the fact that at the heart of "Reality" TV there is no reality at all. The original, Survivor? Honestly I can't remember the last time I was placed on a desert island with twenty other people and had to compete in games for immunity from getting me off the island. Beauty and the Geek? I have never been paired up with outrageously simple minded girls in a challenge to find out if I could change my nerdy ways and become more than just a geek. Amazing Race? No I don't remember being dropped off in some remote part of the world with only a few hundred dollars worth of local currency in a race against other couples to be the first to get home. The closest thing I could think of that would even slightly resemble true reality is Big Brother, and even then I normally have the freedom to leave my house when I please and I don't think I've ever held a massive 20 person non stop sleepover. But the kicker on all these? I've never been given $50,000.

Take this whole contemplation of possible Reality TV overload and add a dash of "oh shoot I haven't updated my blog in...I don't even remember how long," and you'll arrive at my current state. As I rolled around these two ingredients in my mind and tried to wrestle with possible blogging topics I found myself thinking about making my own reality TV show. The premise of the show? Well I'm glad you asked. It's called "Why are you watching this?" Basically what I'd do is just film little clips out of my day, add a little "ASF-esque" humor and present it to you, my readers. You can call it an experiment in true "Reality" TV. Now I'm not entirely sure I want to do this, seeing as my readership could possibly take a major down turn, it'll also take a bit of time, and the fact that my life really isn't that interesting. But the one major deterrent is the camera itself. In any case, I present to you this option. I know you all aren't really that fond of commenting, as I can see by the minuscule responses to my blogs, but I'm asking you the reader for your help. If you'd like to take part in this experiment to see what Reality TV should look like, post up and let me know. If not, post up and explain why I shouldn't. If I get enough help in deciding, you might see a new internet phenomenon start up and know that you took part in making it happen. Though that's not really likely to happen. But if you would please help me out by voicing your opinions. Thanks a bunch for your help! COMMENT!!!